What Do I Deserve?
What Do I Deserve?
Now that is usually accompanied with happy thoughts or things like "me time", or food, or a hobby that's fun for you, but then comes the night; it's a different feeling from the thoughts you have when out with friends or talking to family, a time where personally I am the most vulnerable for my emotions to come out and ask the worst questions, the worst but simple question of, “do I deserve this?"
Usually, I would say yes and move on, but staying up late has this effect on you where you're more truthful to yourself. As you don't have the energy to put up fronts even you yourself believe. So, the question lingers and lingers, and you ponder if you actually deserve the bad things happening to you or you feel like you don't deserve the good things being given to you. And it eats at you, like a bug eats away at rotten wood.
So again, I ask, do I actually deserve it? My answer was always, “maybe”. But during periods of stress or anger, my answer shifts from indifferent to actively wishing more pain upon myself– because in my mind, it makes sense. I did deserve it after all, but the opposite is also true. I have fun with friends, I make art, and at my core I am happy. In my heart I know that this gives me joy, but do I deserve it?
No.
My mind is as cruel as it is crucial for me to function, so why does it insist that I deserve everything bad yet don't deserve anything good? And the answer is that you really shouldn't trust what you feel when you're at your lowest point, when you're tired and upset, using all of your energy to stay up and be angry is never a good use of your time and unhealthy for your body.
And yet, I still do it.
I don't know why I do it, but I try to reduce the effect it has on my mind.
I love myself, and I hate the fact that I hurt myself after a certain point in time where I end up lying in bed, restless. But I think I'm just overthinking, because I am the result of my own hard work, and I deserve the good and the bad.
I’m not perfect, but I sure am human.
Submitted by: V
Edited by: Casandra Jeneve Guevarra
Now that is usually accompanied with happy thoughts or things like "me time", or food, or a hobby that's fun for you, but then comes the night; it's a different feeling from the thoughts you have when out with friends or talking to family, a time where personally I am the most vulnerable for my emotions to come out and ask the worst questions, the worst but simple question of, “do I deserve this?"
Usually, I would say yes and move on, but staying up late has this effect on you where you're more truthful to yourself. As you don't have the energy to put up fronts even you yourself believe. So, the question lingers and lingers, and you ponder if you actually deserve the bad things happening to you or you feel like you don't deserve the good things being given to you. And it eats at you, like a bug eats away at rotten wood.
So again, I ask, do I actually deserve it? My answer was always, “maybe”. But during periods of stress or anger, my answer shifts from indifferent to actively wishing more pain upon myself– because in my mind, it makes sense. I did deserve it after all, but the opposite is also true. I have fun with friends, I make art, and at my core I am happy. In my heart I know that this gives me joy, but do I deserve it?
No.
My mind is as cruel as it is crucial for me to function, so why does it insist that I deserve everything bad yet don't deserve anything good? And the answer is that you really shouldn't trust what you feel when you're at your lowest point, when you're tired and upset, using all of your energy to stay up and be angry is never a good use of your time and unhealthy for your body.
And yet, I still do it.
I don't know why I do it, but I try to reduce the effect it has on my mind.
I love myself, and I hate the fact that I hurt myself after a certain point in time where I end up lying in bed, restless. But I think I'm just overthinking, because I am the result of my own hard work, and I deserve the good and the bad.
I’m not perfect, but I sure am human.
Submitted by: V
Edited by: Casandra Jeneve Guevarra
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